Advice for divorced parents making summertime access arrangements
Now is the time for divorced or separated parents to make plans for special summer time access. In the summer the usual routine of school and work gives way to vacations and the host of new activities extended daylight hours make possible. For most of the year it makes sense for the kids to spend most of their time with one parent and see the other on weekends or even just alternate weekends. But summer is the time for kids and “access” parents to really spend some quality time together. Here are a few things you should keep in mind when you are discussing summer access arrangements.
People and circumstances change. Children get older, their interests change and so do their needs. As a result, an access schedule that worked in the past may not continue to be in the best interests of the children now. Therefore, it is a good idea to take a fresh look at your summer access schedule and not just accept it because it has worked in the past.
A word about deviating from court orders and agreements may be in order here. First, it is okay to change the terms by mutual consent without going back to court or signing something. However, if you feel more secure with something in writing a note, dated and signed, with the agreed upon changes should be fine. You should specify that the changes are by mutual agreement and that if one of the parents no longer agrees to the change then the original terms of the order or separation agreement come back into play.
When making summer access plans do not forget that the children may hope to take part in activities that you have not thought of. Both parents should encourage the children to spend extra time during the summer with the parent they see less often during the year. However, it is also important, especially for older children, to have their own time to do their own fun things during the summer. Everyone should work together so that the kids can be involved in sports, camp, or whatever else they have in mind and still involve both mom and dad. Involve the children in your planning and look for ways to overlap time together with their other activities.
Summer also presents opportunities for parents and children to participate together in various special events and activities such as summer holidays, family occasions, and special vacations. It is important for parents to work together to make it possible for the children to enjoy these events with the parent most closely associated to the event. If this is difficult to determine, perhaps one parent can take the kids this year and the other can take them next year. On the other hand, such events may make the relatively little time the children spend with the “access” parent even more meaningful. Some consideration should be given to making sure the children get to spend some of these special times with that parent.
If the access parent is going to get extra time with the children over the summer he or she should be prepared to make the most of this time together. This might mean not only making the children your priority but making sure that they see that this is what you are doing. Perhaps turning off your cell phone, spending less time with your other friends or work for computer might be a good way to send this message to your kids and let them know how important they are to you. As for the activities you engage in with your kids, the younger they are the more they will be happy just to be involved in whatever you are doing. As they get older it will be you that needs to find ways to involve yourself in their activities, even if it is just to show an interest when they get home.
The most important thing to remember is that the children are best served by parents who are flexible and willing to cooperate with each other rather than those who are confrontational and rigid. Whether or not parents had separated they still need to negotiate with each other and make compromises when planning summer activities with the children. Close relationships can be maintained best when everyone’s needs and interests are respected.
